Nanny Knows Best

Nanny Knows Best
Dedicated to exposing, and resisting, the all pervasive nanny state that is corroding the way of life and the freedom of the people of Britain.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Nanny Bans Drunken Sailors



Congratulations to Bookstart (a bunch of people who are trying to get children to read - funny I thought that was the role of parents and teachers), who have scaled new heights of pratishness.

The good people of Bookstart feel that the old song "What Shall We Do With a Drunken Sailor" is too evil, and have expunged the "drunken" words to "grumpy pirate".

Other lines removed included "Put him in the brig until he's sober", "Keelhaul him and pass the bottle", "Round with the rum and scotch and whiskey".

The new version reads "Do a little jig and make him smile", "Make him walk the plank till he starts to wobble" and "Tickle him till he starts to giggle".

The new version:

"What Shall We Do With the Grumpy Pirate?

What shall we do with the grumpy pirate? What shall we do with the grumpy pirate? What shall we do with the grumpy pirate? Early in the morning.

Hooray and up she rises, Hooray and up she rises, Hooray and up she rises, Early in the morning.

Do a little jig and make him smile, Do a little jig and make him smile, Do a little jig and make him smile, Early in the morning.

Hooray and up she rises, Hooray and up she rises, Hooray and up she rises, Early in the morning.

Make him walk the plank till he starts to wobble, Make him walk the plank till he starts to wobble, Make him walk the plank till he starts to wobble, Early in the morning.

Hooray and up she rises, Hooray and up she rises, Hooray and up she rises, Early in the morning.

Tickle him till he starts to giggle, Tickle him till he starts to giggle, Tickle him till he starts to giggle, Early in the morning.

Hooray and up she rises, Hooray and up she rises, Hooray and up she rises, Early in the morning."


Complete bollocks, written by prats wasting our money!

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Thursday, January 29, 2009

Nanny Bans Drinking Again

Cheers
Nanny's chief medical officer, Sir Liam Donaldson, is bleating that children under 15 should not be given any drink at all by their parents...ever.

Here's why this is bollocks:

1 It is up to the parents to determine how best to raise the kids, not the state.

2 Being taught to respect drink under adult supervision is a far better way to be introduced to it, rather than by sitting in a carp park swigging cider with your mates.

3 Just because a child is given moderate quantities of booze does not mean that he/she will turn into an alcoholic, or damage his/her liver.

4 I had my first drink at the tender age of 1 (the dregs from a barley wine bottle) and often shared a Mackeson's with my Grandad, it didn't do me any harm.

In short Nanny's chief medical offcier should keep his nose out of people's private lives!

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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Nanny Bans Meat

Nanny Bans Meat
I see that Nanny is trying to reduce the use of meat in hospital menus, with a view to cutting methane emissions from cows, thus saving the world from global warming.

Here are a few points as to why this is bollocks:

1 Global warming, if it really is happening, is a natural event which mankind has littler influence over.

2 Even if all the cows in Britain were to be executed (think of the hue and cry from the animal lovers were that to happen!) the methane production from cows in the world would continue to rise, as wealthy consumers in Asia Pacific develop a taste for meat.

3 What happens to the UK meat farmers that Nanny puts out of business by cutting back on demand for their products?

4 The easier way to reduce methane and hot air emissions is to cut back on the human population (eg MPs).

5 Seriously how much difference will a few extra veggie lasagnes make to the world wide production of methane by cows?

All in all, given the recession and other issues facing Nanny, I would say that this is an absurd waste of time and money.

Meat

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Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Scaring Children - Nanny's Special Advisors

Scaring Children - Nanny's Special Advisors
Nanny knows what every dictator and incense burning religion has known for centuries:

"Give me a young child, and I will make him/her mine for life."

Thus she has decided to tackle one of her most hated scourges, smoking, by sending anti-smoking advisors into nurseries.

Nanny's special little "team" from Colchester and Tendring NHS Stop Smoking Service will be lecturing children, as young as three, as to the dangers of smoking. They will show them dolls that demonstrate how the lungs of smokers and non-smokers differ, they will also give them NHS leaflets and questionnaires to take home for their parents.

In other words Nanny intends to scare the hell out of the kids, and make them afraid not only for their own health but the health of their parents. Thus Nanny will turn them into agents of the state within the home.

Now children, tell me, which European regime tried this little trick (to great success) some 70 years ago?

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Monday, January 26, 2009

Prats of The Week - Ebay

Prats of The WeekA tis a Monday morning, the sky is blue and the seagulls are circling over my office window.

Time, methinks, to award my prestigious and internationally renowned "Prats of The Week" Award.

This week it goes to Ebay!

For why?

Well my old muckers, just ask Paul Ramsier who tried to sell the classic children's game "Escape From Colditz" on Ebay.

The good people of Ebay removed his product, and accused him of inciting racial hatred.

For why?

Ebay has a policy of banning items with Swastikas, the box has a Swastika on it.

OK, I guess that at a very long stretch of the imagination were this policy to be applied 100% then it could be argued that it was just tough luck for Mr Ramsier.

However, there are two flies in Ebay's oinkment:

1 It is clear that "Escape From Colditz" does not in any way encourage or promote racism or Nazi propaganda (not least because the objective of the game - invented by an ex Colditz prisoner - is to escape from the Nazis).

2 Here's the killer fact, Ebay contains lots of items with Swastikas. Type in eg "Swastika" into their search engine, and see what you come up with Ebay.

A spokeswoman for Ebay said:

"We will remove listings that bear the marks of organisations that promote hatred and racial intolerance and we are strict and unapologetic in adhering to this policy.

With 100 million listings globally we have to apply this rule to any item bearing such insignia, regardless of whether it is an innocent item like a board game
."

Ebaywell deserving "Prats of The Week", and not very "efficient" Prats of the Week to boot!

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Saturday, January 24, 2009

Paying Dead Terrorists

Paying Dead Terrorists
Ermmm...can someone explain to me why Nanny wants to pay the families of dead Irish terrorists £12K each?

Does this mean that we will also be paying the families of other dead terrorists (eg suicide bombers, who went to "heaven" to find 70 raisins - yes folks the translation of "virgins" in fact is an error, and the terrorists will find themselves spending eternity with 70 raisins)?

(FYI, and off topic, there is no heaven, hell or God...merely blissful oblivion).

Surely, if you intend to commit a terrorist act and you end up blowing yourself up that is your responsibility?

Why should my taxes be used to pay blood money to your family?

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Friday, January 23, 2009

Nanny Bans Coastguards

DrowningIt would seem that Nanny's health and safety rules are now putting people's lives at risk.

Nanny has decreed that coastguards must complete a health and safety questionnaire, a "vehicle pre-journey risk assessment", before they can respond to calls for help on land.

Under the new rules, the teams have to take the time to answer four questions on the type of rescue and journey they are about to undertake.

After filling in the date and time, the lead rescuer must outline the "reason for journey" and detail any risks the team may encounter during the rescue, including both current and forecast weather conditions.

The form then asks for a summary of any "actions taken to mitigate risk" before the leader can fill in a "yes" or "no" as to whether the risk is "acceptable".

The form is purely to be used for land rescues, not rescues at sea.

Ermm...isn't this a tad inconsistent?

Let us trust that the idiots who thought his idea up never need urgent/speedy rescue themselves!

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Thursday, January 22, 2009

Bin Tax

Bin Tax
Be warned, Nanny is about to launch a "bin tax" by stealth.

A clause in the Climate Change Act means that all councils are free to adopt charges of up to £100, without MPs voting on the issue first.

There's democracy for you!

This week is the deadline for councils bidding to run the first pay as you throw pilot schemes.

The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs confirmed that powers in the clause will allow any pilot scheme to be implemented across every council in England by ministerial order.

A 'bin chip tax' would see households receive a bill based on the weight of the contents of their bin.

A 'weekly collection tax' would mean households wanting to receive weekly rubbish collection paying an extra charge.

A 'bin bag tax' would see families charged extra for special bin bags for non-recyclable waste.

The 'bin size tax', would be based on the size of the bin.

Kerching!!

Nanny has found another way to screw us!

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Wednesday, January 21, 2009

A Nation of Snoopers - Home Schooling

A Nation of Snoopers
What a surprise, not content with claiming that "invisible" foster parents may be abusing children, Nanny has decreed that parents who home school their children may be using it as a cover for abusing them.

Children's Minister, Baroness Delyth Morgan, wants to review home education. The review will consider how local authorities can "ensure the education and well-being of children who are being taught outside school".

Baroness Morgan said, patronisingly:

"Parents are able, quite rightly, to choose whether they want to educate children at home, and a very small number do. I'm sure, the vast majority do a good job.

However, there are concerns that some children are not receiving the education they need. And in some extreme cases, home education could be used as a cover for abuse.

This review will look at whether the right systems are in place that allow local authorities and other agencies to ensure that any concerns about the safety, welfare or education of home educated children are addressed quickly and effectively
."

Snort!

Some of Nanny's schools aren't exactly bastions of educashunal excellence!

As you can see, Nanny hates it when she doesn't have a direct input into the upbringing of children; she immediately cries "abuse" at anyone who seeks to distance their family from the state.

The review will be yet another poorly disguised excuse for Nanny, and her lackeys in the local councils, to come poking their noses into people's homes and lives.

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Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Prats of The Week - The £500K Sound Barrier

Prats of The WeekGoodness me, it seems to have been yonks since I awarded my prestigious and internationally renowned "Prats of The Week" Award. Time, methinks, to make another award.

This week it goes to another one of our "respected" local councils, South Cambridgeshire District Council.

For why?

They intend to spend £500K of taxpayers' money on erecting a noise barrier beside a dual carriageway.

To reduce the noise of the traffic for the local residents?

Ermmm.....NO!

The council received a complaint from a group of 50 travellers about the sound of passing vehicles and abuse from motorists.

The travellers, who oddly enough have set up camp (how can they be called "travellers" if they are staying in one place?) claim that their lives are being made a misery by the constant rumble of traffic, and that they are being victimised by lorry drivers who beep their horns, flash their lights and shout obscenities.

The sound barriers would be installed on the A14 near Milton in Cambridgeshire.

Nick Wright, the councillor responsible for planning, said:

"It's such a noisy place to live. When you go down there it's almost a job just to have a conversation.

Obviously their homes don't have any double glazing or sound proofing
."

Aren't there more pressing projects etc that the £500K could be spent on (especially given that we are in a recession)?

Do the "travellers" pay council tax?

Why can't they simply travel elsewhere, to a less noisy site?

South Cambridgeshire District Council, well deserving Prats of The Week.

By the way, South Cambridgeshire District Council, is of course a Tory run council.

You know the format by now folks, drop Cameron a line telling him your views of the Tory party. Use this link: Cameron

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Monday, January 19, 2009

A Nation of Snoopers

A Nation of Snoopers
The British Association for Adoption and Fostering (BAAF) claims that thousands of children in the UK may be being unlawfully fostered, and could be at risk of abuse (that does not mean that the children are being abused).

The law requires that the state be informed if a child is looked after by anyone other than a close relative.

BAAF is urging people to report neighbours who are caring for children unrelated to them on a long-term basis.

Whilst their intentions may be good, this is another attempt by the state and quasi organisations of the state to turn us into a nation of snoopers and spies. It used not to be the British way to snoop, "grass" or tell on people.

I well recall my father drumming it into my head when I was a wee lad:

"Never tell tales on others".

That is a lesson that was once the norm. Now Nanny seeks to turn it on its head.

Societies that encourage members of the public to inform on others are dictatorships.

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Friday, January 16, 2009

Pounds For Pounds

NurseNanny's master plan for turning us into a nation of hatchet faced beanpoles has taken another step forward.

Eastern and Coastal Kent primary care trust in conjunction with Weight Wins, a private company (a nice little earener I am sure), has set up the "Pounds for Pounds" scheme.

The plan being for 300 people to sign up and have their weight targets set in a tailored scheme. The size of the reward grows as the targets become more challenging.

Participants could win £70 if they lose 15lb, a further £90 for losing 30lb and another £265 to shed 50lbs - a total of £425.

There is no time limit, but patients will get only half the money for losing the weight. The rest is handed over if they keep it off for six months.

They can decide to take cash or store or holiday vouchers.

Meanwhile the NHS, so short of resources, is denying patients who are actually ill the drugs and treatment they need.

Message to Nanny:

Obesity is not an illness!

Those who want to lose weight simply need to eat less and exercise more.

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Thursday, January 15, 2009

Nanny Bans Music

Nanny Bans Music
Errmmm...you know Nanny's rather pedantic rule about needing a licence to perform music in a public place?

You know how usually rather over zealous councils et al apply this to pub singers, carol singers and other assorted performers?

Well here is an application of the rule that has even me (a man of supreme zen like calmness and inner peace - what did I drink last night?) gobsmacked.

In fact, never has my gob ever been more smacked!

Prepare too to be gobsmacked.

Len Attwood is a mechanic from Witham Essex, he repairs cars. Mr Attwood now faces a £2K fine, from the Performing Rights Society, if customers drive into his garage with their car radios on.

Pardon!!!

What??? I hear you ejaculate (I too ejaculated at that point!).

For why does he face a fine?

Cos he does not have a licence to listen to music.

Well fark me rigid!

Mr Attwood was contacted by the Performance Rights Society, who told him that he would need a licence to play music.

He said:

"They phoned up and said, 'do you have any form of music entertainment on the premises?'

I said customers bring their vehicles in with their radios on and while we are working on them the radio is playing. But other than that no.

The woman said she would get back to me. She came back with her supervisor who said I would have to turn the car radios off but I said we didn't like to tamper with the customers' settings.

She said, 'in that case, you will have to tell them to turn them off before they come in.

I just think it's ridiculous
."

The Performance Rights Society spokesman said:

"If there is an intent to use music in a workplace to either enhance the working environment or provide music for customers then it is only right that music creators receive royalties and a licence must be obtained.

We realise there may be unique circumstances where the control of whether music is played - such as radios left on in cars that are activated when the car is started - is not in the hands of the business owner, and therefore may not require a licence.

We always try and be fair and use common sense in licensing decisions, whilst ensuring that when music is used commercially in business the correct licence is obtained
."

In Nanny's Britain common sense went out the window yonks ago!

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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Nanny Bans Casinos

Nanny Bans CasinosThree cheers for Nanny's ever vigilant and proactive Advertising Standards Authority (ASA).

Always keen to ensure that adverts are legal, decent, honest, non offensive etc they have decided to ban some of Ladbroke's adverts for their online casino.

One of the adverts features a skydiver trying to use a crisp packet as a parachute (implying that his thirst for risk could have been quenched at Ladbrokes).

Anyhoo, this advert was far too much for the people at ASA.

For why?

One person complained and the advert was banned because it:

"portrayed gambling in a context of toughness and linked it to excessive risk-taking and reckless behaviour".

Errmm...isn't that what gambling basically is, the thrill and risk of possibly winning/losing?

Where were the ASA during the endowment mortgage binge of the 1980's, or the credit binge of the last decade (where financial institutions duped some people into losing their houses and tied them into debt for decades)?

FYI, if you mention those episodes to the ASA they tell you that the responsibility rests with Nanny's other toothless and passive organisation the Financial Services Authority (FSA).

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Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Too "Fat" To Love

Too Nanny's hatred of "fat" people knows no bounds. Aside from castigating them via official government channels, organs of the state and encouraging the media to hound them; Nanny is forbidding "fat" (a definition that is somewhat nebulous) people from adopting children.

Damien and Charlotte Hall from Leeds have been told by their local "respected" council that Mr Hall is too fat to adopt.

Despite not looking grossly overweight (compared to many in the Western world) Mr Hall's body mass index (Nanny's pseudo and flawed eugenics measure of fatness - remember how the chicken farmers who ran Nazi Germany measured people's noses to id racial origin?) is above the council's magic number of 40.

Leeds council forbid people who have a BMI above 40 from adopting children.

The council would rather the children rot in a state run home, than be adopted by real people who would genuinely care for them and love them.

Watch the video of the couple talking about their experience here.

As I said, in another country in another era the government of the day measured people's noses; that is where we have come to!

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Monday, January 12, 2009

The Food Police

The Food PoliceComing soon to a neighbourhood near you -

Nanny's Food Police!

Nanny is worried that we don't know how to purchase, prepare, cook, serve or eat our food. Therefore she is setting up a trial door to door campaign (funded by the Waste and Resources Action Programme - WRAP - a Government agency charged with reducing household waste), where householders will be told what size portions to prepare, taught to understand "best before" dates and urged to make more use of their freezers.

Whilst I concur that wasting food is a disgrace, why does Nanny think that she will be able to educate me better in the concepts of waste and using leftovers more than my parents did?

I would note that the Food Police who will be advising the public have had only one day's training, but will receive up to £8.49 an hour, with a bonus for working on Saturdays.

The pilot scheme will cost £30K, and would require 8,000 Food Police were it to be extended to the entire UK.

The pilot will cover six council areas in Worcestershire and Herefordshire.

How did the human race survive, and indeed flourish over the last 150,000 years, before Nanny came along?

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Friday, January 09, 2009

Bin Brother - Hackney Films Litter "Suspects"

Bin Brother
Be warned, Nanny's chums in Hackney council not only film people who drop litter but also those who the 11 members of the "litter police" suspect might drop litter.

How the hell do you suspect someone of maybe about to drop a piece of litter?

Is this an example of a "thought crime", as foreseen by Orwell in 1984?

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Thursday, January 08, 2009

Nanny Bans Parents - Again

Modern Parents
You know how yesterday I said that parents should be responsible for the safety of their kids (eg when using paddling pools) and not the state?

Well, what a silly billy I am, I should have known that Nanny had a better idea.

Nanny has decreed that parents are not qualified to look after their kids, as Phillip Smith and sons Jake, aged five, and Aiden, three, found to their cost when Phillip was banned from using Hillsborough Leisure Centre in Sheffield.

For why?

Health and Safety my dear old muckers!

Seeming Nanny's chums at the centre insist that under-eights must be accompanied on a one-to-one basis by adults.

Ironically Mr Smith is a fireman and therefore, one would assume, reasonably adept at handling emergencies and doing first aid.

Surely the responsibility for the safety of the child should rest foremost with the parent, not the state?

Am I so really out of touch and old fashioned (at the tender age of 46), with how things should be, to believe that this?

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Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Nanny Bans Paddling Pools - Again

Paddling PoolsOh dear oh dear!

Not content with trying to stop people swimming in lakes and rivers, Nanny has now decreed that paddling pools (ie those public areas with usually less than 12 inches of water) present a clear and present danger to the health and safety of children.

Can you guess what Nanny wants to do children?

Yes, that's right, she wants to employ lifeguards at these pools!

Failure to employ a lifeguard may mean that the pools will have to be closed.

Nanny has told our "beloved" and "respected" local councils (her frontline storm troopers in her war against the people) to drain their pools, or put trained lifesavers on site.

By way of example, Carmarthenshire Council has been told its eight pools must have the same safety cover as a beach.

Is Nanny totally bonkers, or has she been smoking something "special"?

I well remember using my local paddling pool to sail my model ships etc. Never once did I drown. However, my mum was always with me when I went "paddling" (just in case I drowned in the 8 inches of water) so maybe therein lies a possible solution????

Here's a radical thought, why not let parents be responsible for the health and safety of their kids rather than the state.

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Tuesday, January 06, 2009

No More Fairy Stories



When I was a wee lad I well remember reading traditional fairy stories, such as Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Cinderella and Rapunzel. I also remember seeing a few Disney versions in the cinema.

The stories did me no harm, and (in theory) provided an easily absorbed lesson about not taking sweets from strangers, not eating poisoned apples and avoiding wolves when dressed in a red skirt and hoodie.

Anyhoo, such is the state of Nanny Britain (scared witless by an ever burgeoning state and pandering moronic media) that these stories are being dropped by some families who are scared that children are being emotionally damaged by them.

Cue an ironic "LOL"!

Have these same witless parents ever bothered to check what their little darlings are seeing/doing on their mobile phones or the interent?

Stories about little girls being eaten by wolves, or fat children being eaten by old ladies, pale into insignificance wrt potential emotional damage when compared to what little Johnny or Jayne is watching/doing everyday in the wired world.

Anyhoo, according to a poll of 3,000 British parents conducted by The Baby Website, it seems that 33% of them have refused to read Little Red Riding Hood because she walks through woods alone and finds her grandmother eaten by a wolf.

One in 10 said Snow White should be re-named because "the dwarf reference is not PC".

Rapunzel was considered "too dark", and Cinderella has been dumped because she is treated like a slave and forced to do all the housework.

Are these people for real?

Sarah Pilkinton, a mother, told researchers:

"I loved the old fairy stories when I was growing up. I still read my children some of the classics like Sleeping Beauty and Goldilocks, but I must admit I've not read them The Gingerbread Man or Hansel and Gretel.

They are both a bit scary and I remember having difficulty sleeping after being read those ones when I was little
."

Pah!

Here's a reality check...children like to be scared!

Why do you think Dr Who is so popular?

To repeat my question to these witless parents:

"Have you ever bothered to check what your precious little darlings are seeing/doing on their mobile phones or the interent?"

Learning how to cope with fear is an essential part of growing up, to deny a child the ability to learn that in a safe environment will stunt him/her emotionally and leave him/her unprepared for the adult world where things (let's be honest) are pretty shitty at times.

Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.

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Monday, January 05, 2009

Educashun - Nanny Bans Schools

EducashunWell the New Year has started with something of a "bang", thanks to Nanny's latest pronouncement wrt educashun.

Those of you with long memories may well recall our "beloved" ex PM, Tony Bliar, stating that "educashun, educashun, educashun" was ZaNuLabour's top priority.

Well folks, Nanny has finally lived up to her promise. Fearful that the word "school" alienates pupils and prevents them from learning, Nanny has banned it and instead wants "schools" to be called "learning centres" or some other pc bollocks name.

FYI, the rot started when Nanny decreed that all polytechnics were in fact "universities".....we all believe that, don't we children???

Anyhoo, I digress, Watercliffe Meadow Primary in Sheffield has adopted the new phraseology.

Linda Kingdon, the head teacher, said that the change would bring the school (sorry "place of learning") closer to real life.

Pah!

I guess on the planet where she lives that may be true, but here on earth that is complete BS.

Here are the words of "wisdom" from Kingdon (who Nanny would have us believe is an "educator"):

"This is Watercliffe Meadow, a place for learning. One reason was many of the parents of the children here had very negative connotations of school.

Instead, we want this to a be a place for family learning, where anyone can come. We were able to start from scratch and create a new type of learning experience. There are no whistles or bells or locked doors. We wanted to deinstitutionalise the place and bring the school closer to real life
."

Dear oh dear, are people like this really allowed to be near children?

Quite how a laissez faire "learning centre" will prepare children for the adult working world of punch cards, monotony, commuting timetables (I know they don't reflect reality) and drudgery I don't know.

I wonder when Nanny will tell the poor little sods in her educashunal system that many of them ain't got no future, and that Nanny won't be able to afford to wipe their bottoms in the future?

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Friday, January 02, 2009

Prat of The Week - David Hanson

Prat of The WeekNanny's Orwellian named "Ministry of Justice" has decreed that the words "inmate" and "offender" are to be forever expunged from the vocabulary of prison officers.

For why?

Nanny believes that they demean the prisoners, and do not show the "respect" and "dignity" that she believes they deserve!

Nanny's Prisons' minister, David Hanson, said:

"Prison staff are expected to treat prisoners with dignity and respect and for this reason the term 'prisoner' should be used in preference to the term 'inmate'."

Adding that the term "offender" was not inappropriate.

I wonder if he will still feel the same way were he, or a member of his family, robbed/mugged/murdered?

Hanson, well deserving to win the first award of 2009 of "Prat of The Week".

Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.

Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.

Show your contempt for Nanny by buying a T shirt or thong from Nanny's Store.

www.nannyknowsbest.com is brought to you by www.kenfrost.com "The Living Brand"

Celebrate the joy of living with champagne. Click and drink!

Why not really indulge yourself, by doing all the things that Nanny really hates? Click on the relevant link to indulge yourselves; Food, Bonking, Toys, Gifts and Flowers, Groceries